Vulnerable

I hate being vulnerable to my emotions.  I hate that I can’t control them.  But I’m also grateful for that I have no control over them.  I honestly can’t keep holding it all in.  It’s hard to talk about Edison.  I’ve been trying to be quiet and strong.  But talking about him and being vulnerable about him is something I need to do. 

I miss him.  So much. Apparently grief hits in waves or in times when you don’t expect.  I’ve been experiencing that.  The last week has been especially hard.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because I’m starting to come out of this numbing phase.  Maybe because it’s all built up over the last two months.  Maybe it’s because Edison would have been 6 months old and entering my favorite baby age.  Maybe it’s because there’s a sweet little baby boy with HLHS fighting for his life and I know his parents are dealing with the most impossible decisions – I know they are praying and hoping (and hoping and hoping) for his hero heart to arrive because that’s his only chance. Maybe it’s because the holidays are coming up and I’ve totally become an introvert and building up walls over the last 4 months.  Maybe it’s because Grady is going to turn 4 in a couple of days and I never imagined he would be 4 years old with out a little brother or sister with us.  Maybe it’s because I’m about to turn 30 and life just hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would.  Maybe it’s because I feel like there’s a piece of me missing every second of everyday that’s completely consuming even in the happy moments.  Maybe it’s because sometimes I think it all has just been a bad dream and if I just turn the corner into the living room, he’ll still be sleeping away in his boppy pillow on our favorite chair…

We are never going to be able to get rid of that chair.

I read somewhere that healing from child loss comes with talking and sharing your child’s story and your story.  That makes sense to me. And since I’m bad about talking about it without totally crumbling into pieces, I think I’ll write about it…maybe.  It will probably be badly written, but it will be what it will be.